Today the gloves are coming off and this may be one of my most emotionally charged blog posts I have done since opening up about Bella’s birth and almost losing not only her, but my own life. Hopefully this post won’t be directed at you, but if you happen to be the type of person that is being described please step off your crooked pedestal and listen up!
After 5+ years of being a blogger and working day after day in this very dark and negative place called social media I have had enough. I’ve seriously blown my top and if I didn’t need my computer to earn a living to raise my children I would toss the thing out the side door! Some days I absolutely dread coming online as it is so depressing day in and day out to see all the hate and negativity that has become of social media.
This post is for you, that self-proclaimed “perfect mother”, the one throwing stones bigger than your ego from your very fragile glass house. You my dear need to take your opinions and shove them right where the sunshine & lollipops you pretend your life is filled with don’t shine!
I’m not a bad mother, better mother, worse mother or the best mother. I am a MOTHER and so are you!
I am not sure exactly why some people thought their opinions were welcome everywhere they wanted to spew them but NEWS FLASH, when it comes to parenting there is a very thin line between giving an opinion, which by the way is really only acceptable when asked for and given in a positive manner, and being hurtful!
When you type those words about how awful you think formula feeding is towards another mother who is formula feeding her baby did you take a single moment from your perfect breastfeeding life to stop and think that maybe that mother may have tried with all her might to breastfeed and couldn’t? Did you stop to think for just a moment that maybe that mother had breast cancer and can’t breastfeed, or another medical condition that prevented her from breastfeeding? Did you stop for a moment in your perfect life to think that if that was the case that mother has probably beat herself up endlessly about her inability to naturally feed her child? Did you stop to think that maybe your one sided opinion which I am sure no one asked for could send her into or further deepen her postpartum depression? Did you stop to think maybe that mother formula feeding her baby may have self-conscious body issues and while it may come naturally for you to breastfeed it comes completely unnatural for her and she is unable to get past her own inner self-conscious body issues. Please take off your fairy tale glasses and realize that not all women CAN breastfeed, not all women are comfortable with breastfeeding and there is absolutely nothing wrong with formula feeding.
To the mother who bashes another for not feeding her children all organic foods have you stopped for a moment in your perfectly naturally grown life to think that maybe, just maybe that mother cannot afford organic? Maybe she isn’t into all the hype, after all my grandparents, parents and even myself growing up (most likely you too FYI) never ate organic foods and we are all perfectly normal right?
You, the mother who has an opinion and puts down another mother for not making her own baby’s food and feeds her child ready-to-feed baby food, did you consider for a second that maybe the mother you are putting down is a single mother working two jobs every day to support her children and after a long day working those two jobs she doesn’t have the energy to make baby food? Do you have cameras in her home? How do you know that she doesn’t make baby food most of the time but on nights where she is sick, tired <– (mom tired seriously is another category of tired) or her other children have 101 activities that night that a ready-to-feed option makes things a bit easier for her. Does it really matter and make a difference in YOUR life what another mother feeds her child so long as the child is eating and the food has the necessary nutrients? Of course some baby food is better than others and some have high counts of sodium vs others but really is it any of your business to make such a negative and hurtful opinion when no one asked you for it against another mother and what she is feeding her child? You call her lazy yet you have not a single clue what her life is like on the inside. Maybe she is just as good of a mom as you are because her baby has a meal and is fed!
To the mother who has an opinion on how another mother is raising her children can you please for the love of every mother on this earth BACK AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD, CLOSE YOUR MOUTH and keep your opinions to yourself if you cannot express them in a positive, caring and encouraging manner.
I feel so many people feel extra brave behind a screen and keyboard, they say things they would NEVER have said to someone’s face. All this mom-on-mom bashing really confirms why growing up I always had better friendships with males because to be quite frank, many (not all) women are ruthless bitches! You honestly have no idea how good that felt to type that out and I certainly apologize if that word offends anyone but come on women, we should not be putting each other down, we should be lifting each other up, supporting each other in whatever decisions we make because those decisions are what work and are best for our own families.
The only time you should EVER open your mouth in regards to another persons parenting (unless asked for your opinion) is if:
- A parent is physically abusing their child(ren), and no I don’t mean reasonable discipline. The only people you should be opening your mouth to in this case are the police!
- A child is malnourished, nope I don’t mean they are being fed formula or jar baby food I mean they are not being fed at all. Again the only people you should be voicing your concern with are the police.
- A parent or parents are taking illegal drugs or abusing prescription drugs.
- A parent is neglecting or putting their child’s life in danger.
Formula feeding vs breastfeeding doesn’t make a parent better or worse.
Disposable diapers vs cloth diapers doesn’t make a parent better or worse.
Organic food vs non-organic food doesn’t make a parent better or worse.
Homemade baby food vs packaged baby food doesn’t make a parent better or worse.
We are all mothers, what works for one family may not work for yours or another family but that doesn’t mean their choices are wrong nor does it give you the right to bash, put down or degrade another mother. As mothers we constantly beat ourselves up about almost anything and everything we do, our daughter fell and needed stitches – we blame ourselves and run through 5 million scenarios that if we did this maybe she wouldn’t have fell. We beat ourselves up enough as mothers we certainly don’t need any extra beat downs from friends, family and most definitely not complete strangers on the internet!
I don’t know why that golden rule we were all taught as children (or should have been taught as children) has flown out the window but maybe if you are that person you just need a reminder!
If you have nothing NICE to say, don’t say anything at all!
Just because you don’t agree with something doesn’t mean you HAVE to give your opinion about it online, you can very easily scroll past it, click to another page or walk away from the computer!
At the end of the day all that truly matters is that we love our children with every ounce of our souls, we nurture them, teach them right from wrong and care for them in the best way that is right for ourselves!
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jennifer dunn says
Quite an emotional yet well thought out statement. I agree with u 100%. There are many ways to raise children and no one way is best. Time, money, support, and health, all play a factor on the choices that we make as mothers when it comes to raising a family. What matters most is the love we give our children and that we provide them a safe environment in which they can learn, play, grow, develop and flourish.
Couldn’t have said it better myself!!
Don’t ever give anyone the power to make you feel less …. let them say whatever they want …even if it’s nasty – I firmly believe that those who do say hurtful things THINK they are safe behind the keyboard but I see good people come back and tell them where they are wrong – don’t fear the negativity , it’s a chance to express yourselve and you have bravely, have you thought what an inspiration your words wil be to someone else who is feeling like they don’t measure up ? Who know’s the negative person MIGHT even learn something , but it doesn’t matter if they do , their lives are filled with what ever the put forth in this world. You can only do your very best , and you know you are , and your children know you are – that’s what matters in the end – Great Job on the blog.
Jenna McNaughton says
Good for you !
From a single WORKING parent ( on my own from my daughters age of 2)
My daughter was BOTTLE FEED,
ate JAR BABYFOOD not organic ( the odd time I tried to make my own but really who had time)
Disposable diapers and SLEPT in her own CRIB from 2 months not in my room.
My Daughter has turned out to be a competitive swimmer and Honour student,
that has hardly ever been sick the odd cold Other than chicken pox.
I can count on 1 hand how many times in her school years she has missed for being sick.
SO I guess bottle feeding and food from a jar for the first year and 1/2 was ok she turned out pretty good.
You are the parent of your child you do what you can to make them happy and what works best for you in whatever situation.
You answer to no one but yourself….. You have a beautiful baby 🙂
I try not to read the comments, but I like your blog and it makes me angry that there are people who negative! Reminds me of a joke; An atheist, A Vegan and A Crossfitter walk into bar, how do I know because they told everyone within two minutes! Could be changed for A breastfeeder, a babywearer and An Organic mom walk into a mommy group! Lol!
THAT IS HILARIOUS, thank you for giving me my Monday giggle!
You are absolutely right. Personally the berating I gave myself just for seeing someone “doing it better than” me was more than enough. It took me a really long time to get comfortable with myself as a parent. I am going on to baby number 3 in august, Babies 1 and 2 had very different babyhoods and baby number 3 will be different still. Still that’s near 13 years of parenting so far. I still don’t have it right… but it’s not wrong either. To my Fellow mommies You’re doing it. It’s not science. It’s art. There are many ways to make beautiful art. And you are doing it.
I love his article
I didn’t want to Breast feed and some of my
girlfriends couldn’t and the flack we get is awful
I also get judged on my family 6 kids under 8
People stare at us, say nasty things but once I say
Actually four are our biological kids and two are our amazing
Foster children then I go from dinner to saint. All my kids bio and foster
Are dressed nice, are well mannered and guess what…. We aren’t done
having kids and we will adopt through foster care too and as long as we can
Afford it but out.
I’m a good mom ❤️.
Thanks for saying what we all were thinking AIMEE
It’s so sad how so many mothers judge one another. Everyone is different and being different with how you do things doesn’t make one parent better or worse. Such a great post!!
Bonnie Way says
I agree with you!!! My husband and I always say that parents have to make the right choice for their child and their family, and that will probably look different than the choice another family is making. We are all unique and we have to make unique choices. And as you say, we don’t know what is influencing the choices that another family is making so we have NO RIGHT to judge them for making the best choice they can. Parenting is never easy and we need all the support and encouragement we can get, NOT the put-downs and judgement. Thanks for sharing!
I’m not a mom, but still loved your post. The most ridiculous part of all this bashing, is that most of the time, the “basher” is the one who feels insecure and like she isn’t doing the right thing. Trashing others to make yourself feel better never works.
You didn’t go overboard with your use of bitch. I lot of women act like raging bitches, a sad fact of life.
Paula H says
I couldn’t agree more. We need to empower each other.. not tear down one another!
Randa @ TBK says
As long as the child’s well being is good – there is nothing wrong. We all parent in a different way and what’s wonderful from that is that we can learn from each other instead of judging one another.
Great post and I can definitely feel your passion coming through in this one! I will never understand some women. We should all be boosting each other up, and supporting one another, not tearing each other down. There is nothing to be gained by that. Thanks for speaking out about a topic that should be spoken about more.
Amen! I’m with you on everything you said Amen!
I sincerely hope this post gets through to some of those people who choose to belittle others with their need to tout their superiority.
I, for one, didn’t even attempt to breastfeed either of my kids…basically because I didn’t want to, but guess what? They are both healthy, happy, amazing kids. They eat well, they treat others kindly, and I couldn’t be more proud of who they are growing up to be. And for those of you who have breastfed your children…*grand applause*!! It’s a wonderful thing if you can and do.
Every parent is different, and that’s what makes all our kids so different. As long as we love, nurture, and do our best to raise them right, we are doing the right thing. Because let’s face it, we all think we are doing the wrong thing sometimes. We could all do without some anonymous loudmouth turning their insecurities on us.
i feel the same way. well said. dealt with all those issues and those kind of ppl. breastfeeding is still a sore subject for me because i couldnt and you hit that topic right on the nail. ppl treated me like i was worthless and not a good mother. so thank you for this amazing post
I just had a friend post your link of a facebook comment about price matching and since I price match and am always looking for more and better ways try to save money and coupon, I decided to click the link and check you out. from that moment, I fell in LOVE! reading your above blog about people on social media, I couldn’t agree more. the even more sad thing is that quite often it is women saying these things. I have always been more drawn to women who are kind, caring, supportive, thoughtful, helpful, etc. women who want to judge and criticize are obviously unhappy in their own lives to find negativity in every situation. I personally think it sounds crazy that a woman would have something negative to say about a mom who takes care of a baby who is getting formula instead of breast milk or store bought baby food instead of homemade, etc. honestly, if they are wanting to judge and criticize, I am sure jesus would be glad to know how they feel. since there is women like this out there in the world, I am glad my daughter who is just 13, hangs out more with boys playing sports (even though she got hit in the eye with a football 2 days ago and got a black eye) compared to hanging out with girls who as she says “talk about other girls and just stand there against the wall watching everyone.” here’s to all the nice women that we all like to be and to all the other ones who are miserable, all I can do is pray that you find peace. now to the woman who this website belongs to, you are awesome!! love your site btw. THANKS!
Awe thank you so much for visiting my site and falling in love! So happy to have you as a reader and yes it is extremely sad what goes on these days on social media. A BIG reason I am keeping my kids off as long as I can 🙂
I love this post! And I am so glad to see it put out there. Everything you said is true. Think before you speak is the same as thinking before you post! And if you don’t have anything nice to say, then keep quiet….
That was very refreshing to read. I hope you can gain your strength back and just keep doing what your doing. Keep up the good work
Jodi Mitrovic says
Well….. THANK-YOU FOR THAT! I laughed, I got mad, I shook my head, felt saddened and rolled my eyes! This was the most personal and meaning post I’ve read by a Mother….well…EVER! There’s nothing more to say, you’ve covered it all and I applaud you for doing so! I enjoyed this very much!
Unfortunately all mother’s don’t have this level of confidence. THOSE are the ones we should always take a stand for because these other fanatics feell that it’s their duty to beat them down. YOUNG mother’s suffer the most. I got nothing but criticism, many criticisms but the ones that came from family hurt the most.
I agree with you 100% about the only time it’s anyone’s business is abuse or neglect. Breast or bottle, disposable diapers, co sleeping, self soothing, pacifiers, potty training, first cereal, demand feeding, organic food, spoiling, spanking, home schooling, bed times, pierced ears, makeup, haircuts, dating it NEVER ends.
I was blessed with 3 kids, some breastfed, some not, 1 had a pacifier until she was 4, all got cereal by 3 months, they potty trained when they were ready not when I was (never had a wet bed), some disposable, one needed cloth, all on demand fed (no schedules), no self soothing (I held my babies all the time), one son had spiked hair and a tail at 6, a mohawk at 8, shaved his head bald at 11, if they wanted it and I could get it, they got it, spoiled but not brats, I spanked 1 child 1 time and swore to never do it again (I was beaten frequently as a child) my daughter was taught not to wear revealing clothing (with 2 brothers that made sure, to this day she still doesn’t), I rarely said NO as long as no one got hurt, they all started part time jobs at 16 (that was expected). I never had anyone use drugs, commit crimes, drop out of school, only 1 got drunk at 16 once and he got SO sick he never did it again (the other 2 listened to him, he was a model big brother). All 3 left the nest when THEY were ready (I was given the boot at 17, life is too hard on your own that young), these 3 were have never been unemployed (one small business owner, one pet groomer, and one in sales). Today they are 31, 29 & 27. The youngest is not married yet but we’vd had 2 just beautiful weddings in 2012 and this past June. We are hoping for 1 more in 2 years. I have gorgeous grandchildren. I adore my daughter-in-law and son-in-law and get along with them very well.
I’m fairly certain I broke EVERY rule when it comes to the “mom police”. Somehow all 3 of my kids grew up to be amazing adults. I could not be more proud and consider myself truly blessed. The ONLY advice I would give ANY mom is this…..LOVE your kids, no one knows your child better than YOU, do what works, make your own rules, be prepared to make mistakes, we ALL do. I leave you just ONE rule that you must never ever break, no matter what anyone else tells you, and that’s to absolutely positively show up every day prepared to do your very best.
It goes by SO fast, they are only on loan you know. If you raise happy, healthy, educated, responsible young adults you are a success. Your kids won’t remember if they got a bottle of formula, a disposable diaper or if their pureed peas were organic homemade or a jar off the shelf. My kids remember campouts on mom’s bedroom floor talking about what they wanted to be when they grew up. We may not have a baseball player, a fireman or a Barbie, but we are happy with remembering the laughs and being together..
Happy Mother’s Day… it may show up on a calendar only once a year, but the day you become a mom, and show up every day that’s the point.
(sorry for the essay, but I am passionate about Mom bashing)